It's been exactly 3 months since we both parted, when I think back about the day you wanted to leave, so many memories come flashing back. What are we now at the moment? Are we having a casual relationship or we are close friends? I am not sure myself. I know I still care for you, and I treat you as a very close friend. I feel comfortable talking to you, I don't have to pretend, and I feel you know me more than anyone else.
I feel there is a heavy burden lifted up from my shoulders when we are no longer together. I think you feel the same as well. We have been carrying these burdens for the last 5 years, and now I have never felt so free and it feels there are so much time around. It's weird how we met 5 years ago, we fell in love, we went through so many ups and downs, and to get through all the obstacles we thought we could. I guess there are some obstacles we can never get pass, you and I know that we will not end up being together forever.
Over the last 3 months, I have been hit with so many different types of emotions. One thing for sure, I have been through the worst, the times when I need to move on and face reality. What does not kill you makes you stronger. Sometimes, I do think of you, I wonder what are you doing, where are you and how you are going? I think there is this strong bond between us that will never fade, how long will this last and will we ever meet someone better? I don't know...
Maybe if we did part for 6 months, things might be different? Maybe if we did give it a try again, we might be able to get through the obstacles? Maybe....there were so many maybes...but we never took those maybes...
I used to spend time thinking how to want you to love me more, how we can spend quality time together, and how we can build a future. There were goals and aims that I want to work for us. Now, when we are no longer together, these goals do not apply and I am now feeling lost. Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? How can I meet the one? What do I want to achieve? All these questions are running in my mind and sometimes I feel sad that I do not know what I want.
When there are no expectations, we will not be disappointed, but when we do, we often get disappointed. I think that was the main issue in our relationship. I expected a lot out of you.
As long we are happy with what we are now, everything seems good :)
Take care...
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
A new beginning for me
Everyone deserves one that treats them well. I believe there will be one out there for me. Today, I will fill my empty spots with things that matters. You were just someone that passed me by, you are someone I will not want to hold on too. The day I can forget you is the day I have found someone I love and will cherished me for the person I am.
Time is my best tool. I want everyday to pass as quickly as possible, I want my life to have a new beginning. For everyone who knows me, I will want them not to worry, to my parents who has been there supporting me, for my friends who has given me so many advices, for my superior who has been understanding, I appreciate everyone of you support and care. I might have not been myself lately, I did not mean it to happen like that. Sometimes, love just drives you crazy, it can give you the most happy moments but at the same time, it can bring you tears and heartaches. I want to be rational and not emotional, I will learn and use my head to think before doing anything.
Today, mark my new beginning to a new life......
Time is my best tool. I want everyday to pass as quickly as possible, I want my life to have a new beginning. For everyone who knows me, I will want them not to worry, to my parents who has been there supporting me, for my friends who has given me so many advices, for my superior who has been understanding, I appreciate everyone of you support and care. I might have not been myself lately, I did not mean it to happen like that. Sometimes, love just drives you crazy, it can give you the most happy moments but at the same time, it can bring you tears and heartaches. I want to be rational and not emotional, I will learn and use my head to think before doing anything.
Today, mark my new beginning to a new life......
Sunday, May 3, 2009
What goes around comes around
Reading my previous posts in this blog reminds me of how I used to spend time expressing myself through this little space. Many things have changed, so many that I don't know where to start. I think blogging is another way a person can express their true self, although not a lot of my friends or love ones know about this blog, but one day, I am sure they will come across it and realized how I feel about my life.
Life is about making plans, achieving the objectives and often, the results might not be the desire ones. You have been part of my life in Australia, no doubt now things are different, I feel that your bond is still very strong in me. I reflected on the past, from the first day we met till the day we came to an end. It's surprise how I feel there is this heavy burden lifted from my shoulders, and I am sure you feel the same, but at the end of the day good memories will remained.
I might not be that strong person you think I am or will ever be, but I am yet to prove to you that you are wrong. I did not give up, but you have made me realized feelings and love is not everything, it doesn't guarantee a future or return. I have spend a considerable amount of time and although I know that one day will never come, I took the risk.
Everyday, I have flashback of us, there are pictures, places, things that often remind me of us. I think this is the phase I have to go through. It hurts, having to hear the person to say things you never thought you would hear, there is this sharp knife pierce right through my heart. That does not mean I am not strong. I have feelings and is emotional, but you once said you loved me for being compassionate.
I want my love for you everyday to grow less.
I want you to know you gave up on us.
I want to learn not to hate you.
I want to stop seeing you.
I want myself to be happy
I will move on ....
Life is about making plans, achieving the objectives and often, the results might not be the desire ones. You have been part of my life in Australia, no doubt now things are different, I feel that your bond is still very strong in me. I reflected on the past, from the first day we met till the day we came to an end. It's surprise how I feel there is this heavy burden lifted from my shoulders, and I am sure you feel the same, but at the end of the day good memories will remained.
I might not be that strong person you think I am or will ever be, but I am yet to prove to you that you are wrong. I did not give up, but you have made me realized feelings and love is not everything, it doesn't guarantee a future or return. I have spend a considerable amount of time and although I know that one day will never come, I took the risk.
Everyday, I have flashback of us, there are pictures, places, things that often remind me of us. I think this is the phase I have to go through. It hurts, having to hear the person to say things you never thought you would hear, there is this sharp knife pierce right through my heart. That does not mean I am not strong. I have feelings and is emotional, but you once said you loved me for being compassionate.
I want my love for you everyday to grow less.
I want you to know you gave up on us.
I want to learn not to hate you.
I want to stop seeing you.
I want myself to be happy
I will move on ....
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
The Reality of Living in Malaysia
No doubt Malaysia, my home country, born and breed, I am a Malaysian, yes I am proud to be one. I have been in down under for the past 6 years, I have build my life there and I am happy to be a permanent resident, but I guess Australia will always remain as my second home, unless in the near future, I will settle down and have my family, I can call down under my first home. The times when I missed home, I wish was back, I get all the attentions from my family and friends, feeling rich with the amount of AUD I have due to the high exchange rate, sleep in, food is always ready on the table, no commitments and burdens, and most important, I have so many friends to hang out and talk too. Life is never boring here, but life here is hectic!
However, I can't see myself living in Malaysia at the moment, I mean if I ever return here to start my life, I might need time to get use to the environment. I have only been driving for the past few days, and realised I can die of heart attack driving, because the drivers here are crazy! There are three things I realised about them, firstly, they NEVER use their signals when turning right or left, I would suggest the Malaysian cars not to have a signal in the cars, because they never use it! Secondly, the cars have to follow closely behind your bumper, a way of letting you know, you are driving too slow, get out of my way! Excuse me! Since when driving according to the speed limit is a crime, oh yeah I forgot, there is never a speed limit in Malaysia! Lastly, the drivers here use the honk more than their signals, so when you hear a horn, you have to look twice and see whether some idiots are trying to get pass you!
Another important issue concerned, will be the cost of living, everything are expensive, from food to clothing, cosmetics, shoes, toiletries, but the weird thing is, the salary package has barely increased over the past few years! How do people survive here? The starting pay is low, and everyone has to work their way up to at least reach RM3000 ( $1000), with 2 years experience, having to pay for car installments ( the prices of the car are very expensive!), shopping for work clothes, a shirt would average cost at least RM70 and above, shoes, cosmetics, and knowing my spending habits, I can never have enough to spend here. I just don't understand how they survive! The only reason I understand why I can buy things here without thinking twice, is because I am earning AUD, and with the strong exchange rate now, I feel is worth the value to buy, but if I was working here, I might not even consider buying anything.
One final concern would be the security, everywhere I go, everyone tell me, make sure you have your handbag close to you at all times, for example, when we are at a restaurant, we have to put our bags on our laps, to ensure the bag is safe, because putting it on the table or a chair next to us, would encourage people to steal from us. I can't eat or drink properly with the bag on my lap, it's so inconvenient but if I don't do so, I can have the risk of losing my bag! I am not encourage to wear any gold jewellery or items that might attract people to look, and when they look, I feel so uncomfortable. It's not safe to drive alone, to go out till late, or even to walk on the streets, because anything can happen at anytime. I feel safe when I am back in Australia, walking on the streets during wee hours were never a problem, having open bags without a zipper was never a security issue, this is the reason we are taxed so high because the government provides us with securities to ensure we are safe. The polices here are corrupted, they don't care about our securities and probably under paid to do their job!
The thing I miss here is the night life, there are so many cafes, pubs and clubs opened at the moment, anytime of the day, there are lots of people around and it makes me feel that I have a life. It feels good to catch up with old high school friends, getting to know how their life is going, what it would feel like if I was to settle down here for good. One thing I am sure, I can never leave work early, and might have to stay up late depending on the job I have, because everyone here have their dinner after 9 pm, it's sad, but they are used to it.
Sometimes, I feel I am in the middle of a crossroad, I don't know which path to take, and when I am at different places I feel different. Everyone wish they were in Australia and some are trying so hard to apply for permanent residency or working visa to live and work there. As for me, I am fortunate to have my permanent residency visa, and allows me to work and live there, to fly back and from Malaysia. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side, not until you have experience both world, then you will know what to choose. I miss Australia at the moment, I miss the relaxed life, the weather, I definitely don't miss the work! Work is something I am not looking forward to at the moment, it's hard when you have a holiday abroad, when everyday is a Sunday, but it's time I face reality. Stress, stress and more stress!
One week till I am leaving, part of me want to stay and leave at the same time. Is this normal?
Yen
However, I can't see myself living in Malaysia at the moment, I mean if I ever return here to start my life, I might need time to get use to the environment. I have only been driving for the past few days, and realised I can die of heart attack driving, because the drivers here are crazy! There are three things I realised about them, firstly, they NEVER use their signals when turning right or left, I would suggest the Malaysian cars not to have a signal in the cars, because they never use it! Secondly, the cars have to follow closely behind your bumper, a way of letting you know, you are driving too slow, get out of my way! Excuse me! Since when driving according to the speed limit is a crime, oh yeah I forgot, there is never a speed limit in Malaysia! Lastly, the drivers here use the honk more than their signals, so when you hear a horn, you have to look twice and see whether some idiots are trying to get pass you!
Another important issue concerned, will be the cost of living, everything are expensive, from food to clothing, cosmetics, shoes, toiletries, but the weird thing is, the salary package has barely increased over the past few years! How do people survive here? The starting pay is low, and everyone has to work their way up to at least reach RM3000 ( $1000), with 2 years experience, having to pay for car installments ( the prices of the car are very expensive!), shopping for work clothes, a shirt would average cost at least RM70 and above, shoes, cosmetics, and knowing my spending habits, I can never have enough to spend here. I just don't understand how they survive! The only reason I understand why I can buy things here without thinking twice, is because I am earning AUD, and with the strong exchange rate now, I feel is worth the value to buy, but if I was working here, I might not even consider buying anything.
One final concern would be the security, everywhere I go, everyone tell me, make sure you have your handbag close to you at all times, for example, when we are at a restaurant, we have to put our bags on our laps, to ensure the bag is safe, because putting it on the table or a chair next to us, would encourage people to steal from us. I can't eat or drink properly with the bag on my lap, it's so inconvenient but if I don't do so, I can have the risk of losing my bag! I am not encourage to wear any gold jewellery or items that might attract people to look, and when they look, I feel so uncomfortable. It's not safe to drive alone, to go out till late, or even to walk on the streets, because anything can happen at anytime. I feel safe when I am back in Australia, walking on the streets during wee hours were never a problem, having open bags without a zipper was never a security issue, this is the reason we are taxed so high because the government provides us with securities to ensure we are safe. The polices here are corrupted, they don't care about our securities and probably under paid to do their job!
The thing I miss here is the night life, there are so many cafes, pubs and clubs opened at the moment, anytime of the day, there are lots of people around and it makes me feel that I have a life. It feels good to catch up with old high school friends, getting to know how their life is going, what it would feel like if I was to settle down here for good. One thing I am sure, I can never leave work early, and might have to stay up late depending on the job I have, because everyone here have their dinner after 9 pm, it's sad, but they are used to it.
Sometimes, I feel I am in the middle of a crossroad, I don't know which path to take, and when I am at different places I feel different. Everyone wish they were in Australia and some are trying so hard to apply for permanent residency or working visa to live and work there. As for me, I am fortunate to have my permanent residency visa, and allows me to work and live there, to fly back and from Malaysia. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side, not until you have experience both world, then you will know what to choose. I miss Australia at the moment, I miss the relaxed life, the weather, I definitely don't miss the work! Work is something I am not looking forward to at the moment, it's hard when you have a holiday abroad, when everyday is a Sunday, but it's time I face reality. Stress, stress and more stress!
One week till I am leaving, part of me want to stay and leave at the same time. Is this normal?
Yen
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)